A Fictional Writing By: Benjamin Groff© Groff Media 2024© Truth Endures

In a move that could only be described as a blend of boldness and absurdity, the Rights Political Movement unveiled its most audacious plan yet: the Nickel A Prayer Tax. The idea was simple—or so they claimed. Every time someone bowed their head in prayer within the sacred walls of a tax-exempt church, the government will tally a nickel to get paid at the end of the fiscal year. The plan, the movement argues, was a way to finally have churches “pay their fair share” for the many costs they purportedly impose on the taxpayers.

The proposal, though greeted with a mix of shock and hilarity, was rooted in a series of dubious and imaginative calculations that the movement’s leaders claime are grounded in reality.

The Costs Churches Create for Taxpayers

1. Lost Revenue from Tax Exemptions: The Rights Political Movement claime that churches, by being tax-exempt, were costing the government billions in lost revenue. “Imagine the potholes that could get filled if every stained-glass window paid its share!” exclaimed Senator Hilda Bottomline, one of the movement’s most fervent advocates.
2. Emergency Services: According to the proposal, every time a church caught fire, needed police protection during a controversial sermon, or hosted a significant event requiring traffic control, taxpayers were on the hook. “Why should my tax dollars go to escorting a parade of choir members?” asked Roger Stingy, a local businessman and supporter of the tax.
3. Social Services Duplication: Churches often run soup kitchens, shelters, and charity drives. While these services are undeniably helpful, the movement argued they duplicated what the government was already providing without paying their “service fees.” “We’ve got welfare programs for a reason, no need for double-dipping,” said Ernestina Pennypinch, another movement leader.
4. Real Estate Value Suppression: The movement claimed that large churches, especially those in prime urban locations, suppressed property values. They took up space that could otherwise be used for lucrative, tax-paying businesses like luxury condos or gourmet dog food stores. “Holy land? More like hole-in-the-budget land,”remarked developer Richie Realestate as he eyed a historic cathedral downtown.
5. Environmental Impact: Every Sunday, cars are packed into church parking lots, creating traffic jams and pollution. The movement argues that if churches paid a Nickel A Prayer Tax, those funds could go directly into green initiatives to offset this “prayer smog.” “Save the planet, tax the pews” became the rallying cry of eco-activists who quickly latched onto the movement.

The Benefits of the Nickel A Prayer Tax

1. Filling the Budget Gaps: The movement estimated that the tax could raise billions, plugging holes in state and federal budgets. “Forget about cutting school lunches—we’ll be swimming in nickels!” a high-ranking budget official proclaimed.
2. Funding Secular Charities: The tax revenue could get redirected to secular charities that, according to the movement, were more inclusive and efficient. “Why should a soup kitchen be connected to a sermon?” asked Kaylee Kindly, founder of the Secular Soup for All initiative.
3. Incentivizing Smaller Congregations: Large megachurches would finally have to pay their way, while more minor, less extravagant congregations might see a decrease in attendance—and, therefore, their tax burden. “Think of it as a spiritual diet plan,” joked Bottomline. “Less congregation, more salvation!”
4. Reducing Traffic Congestion: With fewer people flocking to Sunday services, roads would be more precise, reducing traffic accidents and wear and tear on infrastructure. “Sunday mornings will become the new blissful commute hour,” promised Max Gridlock, the city’s transportation chief.

The Backlash

Unsurprisingly, religious groups across the nation oppose the plan fiercely. The National Association of Pastors (NAP) organized a “Prayer-a-Thon” to raise funds to fight the tax. Every prayer during the event was meticulously counted, and the movement’s leaders were sent a bill—penned in gold ink—for the “spiritual services rendered.” It was a bill that could only be paid in prayers, of course.

The Final Word

In a twist of irony, the Nickel A Prayer Tax became a subject of intense debate and endless litigation. Lawyers will make a fortune arguing over what constituted a “prayer”—is a simple “Amen” worth a nickel? What about silent prayers? Could churches claim a rebate for prayers said in service to the community?

The Rights Political Movement continue to push the tax, convinced that it is the key to a balanced budget and a fairer society. While the tax itself is mired in legal challenges, its mere proposal left an indelible mark on the political landscape, forcing everyone to rethink the true cost of faith—or at least, the cost of not charging for it.