Morning Coffee ––– What Is a Joppler?

Joppler — noun. creator Benjamin H. Groff II

September 17, 2026

What Is a Joppler?

A diabolical person who can begin by telling you to click on a link and, within minutes, have you wondering why somebody is lying on the floor asking to be tasered, handcuffed, arrested, and possibly recruited into the United States Marine Corps.

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I created the word myself.

Medieval jester juggling three balls before an amused crowd — ^{_{While you might imagine a jester, this subject is dressed in a three piece suit and tie. Ready to take you for all you have!}}

A joppler begins innocently enough.

Someone says, “Click on the link.”

You click.

That is your first mistake.

Because a joppler does not simply lead you from Point A to Point B. A joppler takes Point A, throws Point B out the window, backs over Point C, and somehow arrives at Point Q without anybody noticing how you got there.

Imagine somebody volunteering to be tasered.

They lie down on the floor because they want to know what it feels like. Then apparently one tasering is not enough. They want another one. Stronger this time.

PING!

Again.

PING!

Perhaps they find the person holding the Taser attractive. Now we have introduced an entirely different problem.

Next comes the role-playing.

“Arrest me.”

So they get handcuffed.

Then, naturally, they begin fighting the arrest they specifically requested five seconds earlier.

Now they have earned another tasering.

PING!

At this point you may be asking:

What in the hell does any of this have to do with clicking on a link?

Exactly.

You have been joppled.

I started by talking about clicking a link. Then I moved you into Tasers, handcuffs, role-playing, resisting arrest, electrical impulses and possibly questionable romantic attraction.

Your original train of thought is gone.

Your brain has been joppled.

And I can keep going.

Now we’re talking about getting older.

Except we’re not really talking about getting older, because suddenly you’re thinking about serving your country. Maybe becoming a Marine.

Except the war in Afghanistan is over.

So now we’re talking about Afghanistan.

Which takes us back to September 11, 2001.

But September 11 was twenty-five years ago.

Soon, an enormous portion of the American population will have been born after 9/11. For them, it will not be a personal memory at all. It will be history—something they learned about from parents, teachers, documentaries and old television footage.

And now stop.

Think about where we started.

Click on the link.

That was it.

A link.

And somehow we traveled from clicking a link to Tasers, handcuffs, Marines, Afghanistan, September 11 and the passage of an entire generation.

That is the work of a joppler.

A joppler can begin a conversation on one subject and eventually deposit you at the end of another subject that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the subject you thought you were discussing in the beginning.

And the worst part?

You usually don’t realize you have been joppled until it’s already over.

So the next time somebody says:

“Click on this link…”

Be careful.

You may be dealing with a joppler. At the end, you will be told that you agree with them. And you will believe them. Because if you don’t you’re wrong. And if you don’t agree. The people around you, won’t like you. If you disagree with them, then you will be a bigger joppler. So you best be a little joppler and just shut up and just nod your head and go along. That is how this country so joppled!