benandsteve.com

Before the Holidays. We have to wrap up a few things. Things that have been building for years. On me!

By Benjamin Groff II GroffMedia© | benandsteve.com | ©2026
November 08, 2026

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Good morning, my fellow coffee drinkers.

Since the turn of the century, I have been rebuilt from the top down. Well, sort of. They started in the middle.

It began at a hospital in the Phoenix area when my appendix threw a surprise party. I wasn’t consulted, but I was expected to attend.

I was approaching forty and still hoping to fit into my best swimsuit. I knew another birthday would bring changes, but emergency surgery? That was rude. Uncalled for. I should have been beside the swimming pool in my backyard.

Steve disagreed. So did the doctor, the nurse, and probably two people in the waiting room.

Out came the appendix.

That should have settled things. Unfortunately, my body had discovered an audience.

A few years later, my doctor referred me to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. I asked why he couldn’t just look up my nose himself.

He said he was considering retirement and didn’t want to get into any more than absolutely necessary.

I bought it.

The specialist found a deviated septum.

“Your nose appears to have been broken a couple of times.”

“Yes. Twice.”

“That’s what I said. A couple.”

“Yes,” I said. “Twice.”

We were agreeing at considerable expense.

Steve came along as my human recording device. Long before anyone mentioned memory problems, I had trouble remembering everything a doctor told me. Steve remembered. I questioned his version, naturally, but I couldn’t remember enough to argue effectively.

As I recall it, the doctor offered me a choice between Archie Bunker’s nose and Brad Pitt’s.

“Bunker,” I said.

“Too bad. You’re getting Pitt.”

He said insurance would have to approve the operation.

“I dare you,” I told him.

UnitedHealthcare approved it before we got home.

The nose surgery was, for me, the most miserable of the bunch. But eventually, I could breathe better, and I had one fewer thing inside me threatening to cause trouble.

One appendix gone. One nose remodeled.

I thought the major renovations were finished.

My back apparently hadn’t received the memo.

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