Two people can share a home, a life, and a deep love without sharing every opinion. Making room for honest disagreement—and listening when it gets uncomfortable—can help us understand the person sitting across the kitchen table. Or not!
© Benjamin H. Groff II — Truth Endures / benandsteve.com
October 26, 2026
Good morning, coffee drinkers, orange juice squeezers, and milk lovers! Whatever is in your cup, pull up a chair. This morning, we might disagree about something.
And that might be perfectly all right.
I have long believed that a loving relationship needs room for a civilized argument now and then. Two people can love each other deeply and still look at the same situation and wonder how on earth the other person arrived at that conclusion.
You share a home. You share a life. That doesn’t mean you share a brain.
One of you sees an opportunity. The other sees a bill coming. One thinks a decision is perfectly reasonable. The other would have appreciated hearing about it before it became a decision.
Then come those familiar words:
“You did what?”
Suddenly, whatever was on television has lost its audience.
Sometimes it starts with an innocent mistake. Something forgotten. A message misunderstood. An errand that somehow required three explanations and still came home wrong.
Other times, the matter is serious. Money spent without discussion. A promise broken. A decision made by one person that affects both.
Whatever started it, there comes a moment when the conversation can go in several directions. We can explain ourselves. We can listen. Or we can begin preparing a declaration of war over the kitchen counter.
It is remarkably easy to choose that last one when our feelings are hurt.
We stop discussing what happened and begin presenting evidence about the person who did it. “You forgot”
“You forgot”
becomes “You never think about anybody but yourself.”
“You never think about anybody but yourself.”
Before long, an incident from years ago has been called to testify.
Now we have two arguments going: the one about the original problem and the one about what we just said to each other.
I think this is where the civilized part takes some work.
Being angry doesn’t excuse being cruel. And loving someone doesn’t require agreeing with everything they say. There ought to be room to say, “That hurt me,” or “I think you made a mistake,”
“That hurt me,” or “I think you made a mistake,”
without either person having to wonder whether the whole relationship is about to be put on trial.
There also has to be room for an answer.
That can be the difficult part. We may be so busy defending what we meant that we never hear what the other person experienced.
“I didn’t mean it that way”
“I didn’t mean it that way” might be true. So might “Well, that is how it felt.”
“Well, that is how it felt.”
Both deserve a hearing.
An innocent mistake may need an explanation, an apology, and a little grace. A serious breach of trust may require changed behavior and time. We cannot settle every disagreement by deciding that nobody meant any harm and putting another pot of coffee on.
But we cannot settle much if nobody is allowed to speak, either.
A quiet house can be peaceful. It can also hold two people who have given up trying to be heard. Sometimes the subject we keep avoiding is the very conversation we need to have.
Perhaps we need to say,
“I am too upset to talk about this properly right now. Let’s come back to it after supper.”
Then we need to come back after supper.
That pause ought to give us time to find our words, with enough care left in them to remember who will be listening.
I don’t believe couples need to manufacture arguments to keep a relationship healthy. Life supplies enough differences without our help. I do believe we need to be able to disagree honestly when those differences arrive.
Sometimes that means admitting we were wrong. Sometimes it means accepting that the other person has a point we would rather they hadn’t thought of.
And sometimes, even after a good conversation, we still see things differently. At least now we understand a little more about why.
To me, that is worth something. We have trusted each other enough to speak, and cared enough to listen.
So, folks, if something needs saying, find a way to say it. Leave room for the person across from you to do the same.
You may have shared that kitchen table for years. There can still be something to learn about the person sitting on the other side.
Pour them a cup while you’re at it.
